I hit the solitude wall today. It is my eighth day here and I as surprised that this minin breakdown came so soon, but it did. I cannot say it is loneliness just a solitude break down. I am so hungry for a conversation with any one about any thing. My mind is playing tricks on me bouncing me around between complete optimism and negativity. I have to stop and jolt myself out of this vicious cycle. So I decided to go Patong. There is a big new mall there full of western style shops of all kinds. I got a manicure, and then some shopping. I bought a couple of new shits a white dress shirt (20.00$’s) and then a red t-shirt with the number 37 on it. I could not pass this one up as 37 is my lucky number. This one cost me 15.00$’s. After I wandered around a bit more I went to the extreme and had dinner at Burger King the food was just as in America but more expensive 6$’s for the meal deal. The burger was ok but the fries were heavenly. Then I had a hot fudge sundae at Swenson’s bought a people magazine and went home. This did the trick I feel much better.
I avoided the human touch element and the martini’s. I think I will make this a weekly ritual every seven days I will go to the mall do a little shopping get a manicure.
And on the seventh day he shopped and ate Pizza!
Today is another rainy day and I am rain locked. So today will be about studing, working out, meditating and playing guitar, I am glad I went to town to get over the solitude blues I am in a much better place today I can focus and produce.
The rains are colder today the weather is changing you can feel it in the temperature of the rain and the cool breeze that accompanies it. The Sun is still very hot and I know there will many days to come for hanging on the beach. There sure as hell better be as I am just now beginning to get an tan. This is a big deal for a pink skinned Scottish Boy! Sunday in Phuket.
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When I was fired from my job many years ago, I spent 3 days in solitary confinement voluntarily. It was a great experience but it was after awhile it was a bit lonely for me.
It is a good experience to go deep into ones self from time to time.
Good to hear from you Barry~!~
Aloha Jeff!
I have been pulling weeds here in VirgiNia and learning how to nurture my garden since returning from Inner Idea 3 weeks ago. The sun has been out every day and the fall weather absolutely glorious! This morning I began a new ritual of walking the 4 mile trails of Caledon Nature Preserve, a historic landmark and old farm that dates back to 1659. It is now a Bald eagle preserve and a place where these amazing and powerful creatures can be protected from intrusion during nesting season. It's just 3 minutes from my house and there for me to enjoy whenever I choose!
Fall is in the air and the smell of change surrounds me - Ahhh my favorite season. Quite a contrast to the still and uncomfortable summer heat of Palm Desert, CA. That was a bitter sweet week for me.
When I arrived, I was so excited to get my mind off of the move and to be solo flying (for the first time in MONTHS!) I was stoked, energized and at last, ready to return to my dance and Nia. (I was totally deconditioned and physically feeling really rough around the edges though - hadn't moved much since leaving Hawaii at the beginning of July. There was a lot of stress surrounding the move and I felt like it showed in my face.)
I wanted to be with and relate to others who shared common interests and to feed my mind and soul.
I discovered that it took a lot for me to be back at my Father's home (in Palm Desert, CA) where I could still smell the sickness and feel the same emotions I felt 15 months ago. It didn't detract from what I was there to do, but I definitely had my moments of breakdown and release. It took a lot of energy to receive what I came to get and still be in the process of grieving. I think the toughest thing in this process has been for me to give myself permission to feel anything other than contentment, strength, joyfullness, hopefullness and other feelings I knew intimately. Grief, sadness, lonliness and fearfullness were strangers to me up until now.
I have learned the hard way how to give myself the same permission I so naturally give others - to be small, go slow, feel deeply, seek comfort and learn.
At Inner Idea, it was healing for me to be still, reflect, feel and move again. It felt good to be small, like a plant cut back and ready to grow next season... when the environment and plant are both ready to co-create.
Now that I am moved and moving, I see that there is much wisdom to be gained in "getting through it" in contrast to getting over or around it. Sometimes the trip sucks, but the journey can be worth making! :0)
It was impossible to see at the time it was happening, but I can see now that I have had the opportunity to live through a "dark season" first hand now as well as through the experiences of students who danced with me in Honolulu. Cancer survivers, a woman who tragically lost a child, another who continues to dance through life with parkinsons, and so many others who just like me, you and everybody, are faced with a difficult personal challenge.
Stress fuzzies the mind and sets free all the wild emotions! Glad to know my mind is not the only one that responds to stress by bouncing around!:) Hey - don't be too hard on yourself right now. Surrender control and be with what is true for you.
Personally, it was difficult for me to turn my attention from all of my responsibilities and even more difficult to focus on myself to be with something I did not choose. Who has time to grieve?! All of my time and attention were being expended on grieving, seeking to understand, letting go, reaching out, accepting, withdrawing inward, looking upward and learning to surrender to it all. The last thing I wanted to do was let anybody (or everybody!) down! That is so unlike the me I know. My mind kept questioning - how could this possibly be my life and happening to me?
I encourage you to keep writing and keep processing - it keeps me company and give I hope you are healing. The chaos and wild emotions seem to be subsiding enough for me to catch my breath and focus on where I am now and what I want to create next. I've been needing to do some sole dancing and finally have the opportunity.
Kiwi so good to hear from you and thank you for sharing your journey, you are a beautiful spirit and I have always felt close to you even though we have not spent very much time together. I will pray for you and think of you on your healing path.
Send me an email you know the address.
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